REMINDER

I chose to keep my TUMBLR ACCOUNT (http://velascoapriljoy.tumblr.com/) as my blog. So keep on reading my nonsense and pointless dramas esp with regards to my love (less) life on that account. Hahaha :) 

UNCONTROLLABLE

It is okay if others judge you for what you are not but when it came from your own blood - family, it is double even triple the pain! 😭

People can judge you as much as they want it, it is free and unlimited but defending yourself is not. Its not!!! You are open to any criticisms but their minds are close to any explanations.

It all started in a question "What if I can do it?" From that question, everything just go down and broke my heart and even my life.

I want to correct her for what she understood on my "open up question", but making her own conclusions, I can't defend myself! I couldn't even explain. You know one thing that I didn't get, when you are so much open to your friends, they feel jealous and they want us to open with them rather than your friends but when you raised it to them, they don't understand the situation, they want to solve it based on their controls, on what they want it to be, they throw you harsh words without considering that it may hurt you.

I want to defend myself but judgments were already thrown. Broken pieces scattered. Emotions are too high. Respect and trust are now issues. I chose to keep my mouth shut before I can say words that may hurt her, respect will be at stake, love will lessen but as the time goes by, those JUDGMENTS coming from her  KEEP ON PLAYING ON MY MIND. It makes me broken more!

I hope people will get your side, understand the situation , hear your explanations before making conclusions and make judgments for what you are not. I hope they have the open hearts and minds when you approached them as you open yourself to them.

Now, I think I am losing myself. I don't know who I am. I dont where I am. And I am for what I am not.

If I just know hownto snob all those and pretend that I don't care at all and suck it up! But i was too hard.

I am living in a hell where you cannot control and please every one. You must kbow how to give way, shut your mouth and let them judge you and stick on their conclusions.

QUARTERBACK

Did you ever think that once in your life, all you want is to have a power to go back in time?? My answer is yes! How about you??

Lately, I am in pain I can’t deny that. That’s when it cross my mind if I could just go back where you don’t have any responsibilities at all.

Please bring me back during my high school days wherein I was surrounded with my friends that I used to call Palengsz. Those times that our problems were the exams and quizzes that need to be passed.  We just hang out, live the life we want to be and like we didn’t care what other people sees us, enjoy every moment with a strum of a guitar, sway of your body to dance, drink like there was no tomorrow, run like kids, eat like we didn’t care about our figure, fall in love with no commitment though, joined organizations and even cat fights with the younger ones. IN SHORT WE DIDN’T CARE AT ALL.

At our age now, you have responsibilities to comply with, problems that the only choice you have is to face it, and those broken that you can’t find any cure to heal.

'Lollipops turn into cigarettes, the innocent one turns into sluts, homework goes in the trash, detention becomes suspension, mobile phones are used in class. Soda becomes vodka, bikes becomes cars, kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging at the playground? When protection meant wearing helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and mum was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game. And the only drug you knew was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn’t make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn’t wait to grow up.'

Sometimes, looking back the past won't help you to grow up, but sometimes, looking back would help you to ease the pain that you are suffering. It can give smiles and reminisce how you became stupid and vulnerable to other things. Without those, you cannot achieve on what you are right now. Past will mold you as a better person.

Some people may leave but most of them will stay and worth to treasure.

I'm Only 22. I Don't Want Someone Else to Be My Whole World.

I am a firm believer in true love. I do believe that there is someone out there for me who will eventually sweep me off my feet and make me wonder why I ever settled for anybody else. There is a man out there for me, with whom I will celebrate countless anniversaries, Valentine's Days and birthdays. There is a man with whom I will be able to get through any fight, distance or hardship, knowing that nothing will ever change. There is a man out there with whom I will share an unbreakable bond, held together by the deep desires of love.

But not today.

I don't want someone I "won't be able to imagine my life without." I don't want someone to "have my whole heart." I don't want someone to be "my whole world," or "my rock," or "my better half." I don't want somebody who can understand me better than I can understand myself.

I want to feel whole. I want to be my own rock, my own anchor, my own soul mate. I want to understand myself better than anyone else can. I don't want to look back and hate myself for altering my future for someone else when I know I wasn't ready to.

That's why I don't want to find the man I will love forever today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that.

For those who know me, you know that when I fall, I fall fast and I fall hard. I am a hopeless romantic who wears my heart on my sleeve. I simply love the idea of being in love. I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't have some type of interest in a guy. I love having a "texting buddy." I love feeling desired. I have gotten hurt a few times, but I always pick myself up and try to move on. Moving on is hard for me, though, simply because I love being in love. I've called guys my "better half" and my "rock." I've convinced myself that I couldn't picture my life without them. I'm starting to realize now that that's the last thing I want in my future relationship. Especially as a young woman in my early 20s. Before I enter into any serious relationship, I need to feel like I'm complete. And I need to be able to feel complete while completely alone.

Too many women depend on men to make them happy, and I would be lying if I said I haven't done that myself. At this point in my life, I don't know how to be completely independent when I'm in a relationship. I know many girls who can be, but personally, I don't know how.

I have dreams. I have plans that only involve myself. I'm at a pivotal point in my life; I get to decide where I go from here. I can travel, move across the country and make stupid spontaneous decisions, just because I can. As of right now, there is nothing holding me back from where I want to take my life (well, having a bit more money might be nice, but I'll figure that one out eventually). I don't want to find my true love yet. I'm not ready to settle, and I'm not ready to alter my personal plans for someone else. The only thing I'm ready for is discovering where my life takes me post-grad. I'm ready to move across the country. I'm ready to make new and beautiful memories with the people I'll meet along the way. But I'm simply not ready to fall in love again.

As my college career is coming to a close and I'm starting to find out what I want for my life, I'm beginning to realize that I never want to fall for a guy whom I consider to be my "better half." I don't want a better half. I want to be whole. I want to consider myself and my happiness as more important than any relationship I will ever be involved with. Does this make me selfish? No. This makes me able to know that I can and will be happy alone, no matter how many heartbreaks might come my way.

Some people marry their high school sweethearts; some of my friends have done so or plan on doing so. And I love them for that. I think their relationships are healthy, and I have loved watching them grow independently, even though they have a significant other. I admire them for that. There is nothing wrong with already finding the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with at a young age. You can still live a complete life with a boyfriend/girlfriend by your side at age 22. But I know myself enough to know that I'm not at the point in my life where I can do that.

I want to imagine my own life. I want to be able to navigate through life's exciting opportunities and devastating disappointments independently -- and if and when a guy decides he wants to join me, I'll still be able to have the peace of mind that I can do it alone. I will be able to imagine my life without him, because at that point, I will have already done it alone.

Many of you may read this and view me as a loner. Or maybe you'll think I hate the idea of love. Believe what you wish, but neither of these assumptions is true. Like I said before, I can't wait for the day I find my true love. I can't wait to be able to look a guy in the eyes, say "I love you," and know that it means "I love you forever." I can't wait for a guy to love me, challenge me and support me emotionally every day for the rest of my life. That day will come, but I haven't lived enough yet.

I'm 22. I have too many stupid decisions to make before I decide my fate. I have the rest of my life to find the guy who gives love a whole new meaning for me.

That day will come. Just not today.

Originally published on Unwritten by Beth Cormack.

F!

I will not hide to everyone that I failed the board. Maybe it was not the best time for me nor the title is not for me. Still thorn between letting go and acceptance.

It is really hard for me to accept, until now, the pain is there. I can't hide it. I tried to pretend that I am okay but its hard. Even sarili ko, niloloko ko na. I lose my confidence, my confidence, everything!

I don't understand why people are being mean to me just to push me to move on. I don't get it! People cannot understand what I am going through, they don't know how painful it is to me. If you can't handle me, then just respect it. They don't want me to be weak, to cry over and over but how can I release all the pain if even myself, I will fake every emotion that I will portray yo other people. I tried to be strong, I tried not to cry but its really heavy, its cracking my head and brain.

The pain will not go away as easy as that juat like what people are expecting from me, that once you wake up, its done! Just move on, I hope its easy! I hope it was just like that pero hindi e. I need time! Time can heal everything. I am covered with all the pain now. The pain that will lead me to crazy state of mind.

Pain is in me. The pain that I don't want to feel. The pain that will bringing me to the idea that I want to be numb.

Acceptance

As you grow older, you will realize that not all things you want will be in your hands, you cannot control everything. Power is not an element in a relationship.

You will learn to let go the things that it didn't work for you. Learn to accept that things will just pass by in your life and will leave a pain that will make you grow. Like my failures in my career, I also experienced failures in love. Sometimes, those intelligent people are the ones who are crazy about love. I am meticulous in making decisions but in love, I made stupid things that I didn't expect I did it.

They told me that if you really love the person, you should take the risk, yes I did! I thought that was the key to save us, but no!

You also need to consider your other half. If he didn't want anymore, then STOP! It is really painful especially on the first month but it is just a matter of time. 

 My family and friends, all the people arounds me keep on saying that I should stop because it’s not mentally/emotionally healthy anymore, I came to the point where I am destroying myself. I also keep on answering that I LOVE HIM! I AM WILLING TO LOOK STUPID OR CRAZY JUST FOR HIM! Again, it didn't work.

Now, I am speaking to tell everyone that gosh, learn to free yourself from the prison of love. You don’t need to regret the things that you sacrificed, at least you tried. Revenge is not also a good idea. ACCEPTANCE will help and heal the broken pieces of your heart. LET GO AND MOVE ON. it is not as easy as that, not just one click away, but I can assure you, everything needs time.

A Night in the Academy

You don’t know what is in it unless you experience.

I was invited to attend the Valentine Hop 2015. At first, I did not agree on the idea because you need to wear dress, makeup and even heels or stilettos, which are not really my things but curious enough to know what it feels like inside the Academy.

Am not a girlfriend, a sister who is escorting a student but just a friend. In my position, you really didn’t know what is really happening inside, what only you know is just a 1% of the whole experience.

Being here, I didn’t waste any chances to ask all the questions popping inside my head.

While we were still on the road, I asked my friend about their opinion, point of view or their stand in the Mamasapano Clash which leads to the death of SAF 44. I also had the chance to pass by the training camp of the PNP-SAF. I gathered a lot of info not just grounded by what I have seen on the televisions (Media coverage and Senate hearings) but as a police himself.

The public are free to judge and criticize our soldiers and our soon to be soldiers. I will not hide that I was one of those. Specially, seeing my friend who changed from the person I knew to the person what he had to become.  Now, I realized that he changed not because he needs to or to prove something, there are a lot of factors also to be considered. They are men that are strong enough to conquer all the pressure inside. It was like a prisoner in a place where trainings are there, respect and follow the rules, regulations and instructions; testing the loyalty and devotion of their work or profession. Men that needs to sacrifice their time, effort and even themselves for the country.

As we wait for the event, we were assigned in rooms where your “partner” belongs to what class and platoon. I had the chances to stay in both of my friends classes. In the 3C (where Roi belongs), I witnessed how they respect their upper classes and how they know each other. Helping and assisting each and every one.  On the other hand, while I am in 1C (Ishmart’s class), these are the graduating. You can see big smiles in their faces symbolizing “Yes! We are almost there!” You can also understand that they experienced a lot of hardships and they were trained through time, men who are prepared for their next stage of battles. Sited next with the first class, “Seize the Moment” or “Carpe Diem!” is the quote that I will use to describe every chance they have when they are free, (as in not bounded by the rules inside the Academy). They are very caring and respectful to their partners. You can also praise the camaraderie between them. How close enough to be called as brothers. You recognize that they are there for every one’s back.  Ready to fight back when they are in trouble, but of course with values and dignity.

In the end, they are still humans. Who wants to enjoy, feel the moment and grab every opportunity they have when they are outside the military institute. A picture of not just being in a battle field challenges, formation, physical and mental alertness, but still young men and women with genuinely, brave and kind hearts. These are those who are willing to sacrifice their lives for the country. These are our future soldiers together with their life inside the institute, these are my friends, and this is the Philippine National Police Academy.

With my friends Cdt 1C Jose and Cdt 3C Ordoinio and his drag.

"Friends"

First Class from 2nd and 3rd Squad of Hawk.

Reliever

I love kids!

Before, I admit, I don't want to be surrounded with kids, I am so irritated until my cousin, Annzie got pregnant and decided to transfer and stay in our province. And my nephew, Kent Andrei was born and he just turned 7 last November.

Last holiday season, we slept in one room. Since the day I came home, he wants to be with me every night, he couldn't sleep until I didn't sleep beside him. Like mother and son relationship, if you can just figure out. You know! Now that, I am back here in Manila, I miss talking to him every night. He even asked me about my love life, I didn't know where that idea came from but I am so amazed with the new generation now, he is becoming matured now. Unfortunately, my love life didn't go well so we need to cut that off.

Next one, my nephew, her name is Kacy Andrea (4yo). Every time she wakes up in the morning, she makes sure that we (referring to me and her brother, Kent) were in the other room and giggles with us. Since I have a blurred vision and every time we wakes up and she notices that I am not wearing my eyeglasses, she always asked me if I can see her,and then she will find it and put it on my face. How sweet they are!!!

I miss playing games and eating with them in the middle of the night.

Busy eating and watching Karate Kid, movie that made him cry that night

She told me, "Tita picture tayo at kiss kita" (Tita let's take a picture and I will kiss you)

I can't help it! :(

Getting Harder

As long as I try to believe myself that I am okay, the pain is getting harder to hide.

Okay, after all, I tried to be in a relationship but it didn't work I think. If you are reading my posts before, I am referring to the same guy. Again and again! My high school love. Lol

After 5 years being in a college, those suitors, trying to meet other boys but in the end, he was the one that I chose. I decided to be with him even my father doesn't want to, because I still like him, okay its not just like but I do love him.

After months, we were happy, or I was just the one who were happy. Before and after board, he didn't called or texted, okay, okay, yes but it can count on fingers on how many times. Its been 4 months now since then, and yet, no efforts at all. He asked me for a space, I gave it. Now I want breakup but he didn't agree, com'on!!! What are you doing? Holding me so that when you are alone, you still have me. Gahd! Im tired of waiting, tired of believing myself that you will come back coz I can't bear this pain now!

I fall in love once but the pain is killing me.

I wish, he feel this way!

This is really me! Lol. 

If I Could

I have a simple wish on my graduation. A wish that I thought it will happen but again, I disappointed myself with my own expectations. I really worked hard because I want that just once, I can say that we are family.

I thought that when my bro and I graduated together this year, our parents will come home but what I have heard earlier, my mom already backed out. She's not going home, in short, I cannot be with my parents on my Graduation Day. Now I know what my younger bro felt when he graduated elementary without Mama or Papa either. I pictured out that I will receive my diploma in front of them, but its not happening anymore. It will just my father. I am happy to be with my father but I worked hard for the last two semesters aiming to be with them both, not just one of them! I want to feel angry or even hatred but how can I be selfish if the one that is sacrificed is her health, her life. She's not going home because she needs to undergo a therapy. Why should I asked first about my own happiness if her health is at stake. Why shoud I think first of myself?

Sometimes I wanna blame God, why He let us to feel this, Why is this happening? Why now? but who am I to questioned him?? Who am I to blame him? Yet, I can't! 

Coz at some point in my life, I also feel that I am not happy anymore. I wanna go into a place that no one knows about me, that I don't need to think of what, why, who and how. I don't need to care other's feelings, other's opinions or how other's sees me as a person. I am tired of being judged by others.

Its really heartbreaking because all I want is to have a one day experience to have parents! On the 21st of April, I don't need material things but to feel my parents embrace and kisses. Just two days! On the 21st and on the 23rd (my bro's graduation). But it will not be happening! I need to accept the fact that sometimes, no matter how you try, it will never be yours. If you can just be a selfish one. 

If I can only have a power to heal my mum, to takeover her illness, or to travel to Italy without compromising others. I am also eager to be with them, to be with my parents and my older brother. I really miss them, I counted years, and

how many years should I wait for until this wish will come true?

This is just a simple wish of a daughter, a sister, a student and as a person.

A/N: I apologize for the wrong grammar and vocabulary. I am writingthis while I am crying.