UNCONTROLLABLE

It is okay if others judge you for what you are not but when it came from your own blood - family, it is double even triple the pain! 😭

People can judge you as much as they want it, it is free and unlimited but defending yourself is not. Its not!!! You are open to any criticisms but their minds are close to any explanations.

It all started in a question "What if I can do it?" From that question, everything just go down and broke my heart and even my life.

I want to correct her for what she understood on my "open up question", but making her own conclusions, I can't defend myself! I couldn't even explain. You know one thing that I didn't get, when you are so much open to your friends, they feel jealous and they want us to open with them rather than your friends but when you raised it to them, they don't understand the situation, they want to solve it based on their controls, on what they want it to be, they throw you harsh words without considering that it may hurt you.

I want to defend myself but judgments were already thrown. Broken pieces scattered. Emotions are too high. Respect and trust are now issues. I chose to keep my mouth shut before I can say words that may hurt her, respect will be at stake, love will lessen but as the time goes by, those JUDGMENTS coming from her  KEEP ON PLAYING ON MY MIND. It makes me broken more!

I hope people will get your side, understand the situation , hear your explanations before making conclusions and make judgments for what you are not. I hope they have the open hearts and minds when you approached them as you open yourself to them.

Now, I think I am losing myself. I don't know who I am. I dont where I am. And I am for what I am not.

If I just know hownto snob all those and pretend that I don't care at all and suck it up! But i was too hard.

I am living in a hell where you cannot control and please every one. You must kbow how to give way, shut your mouth and let them judge you and stick on their conclusions.

QUARTERBACK

Did you ever think that once in your life, all you want is to have a power to go back in time?? My answer is yes! How about you??

Lately, I am in pain I can’t deny that. That’s when it cross my mind if I could just go back where you don’t have any responsibilities at all.

Please bring me back during my high school days wherein I was surrounded with my friends that I used to call Palengsz. Those times that our problems were the exams and quizzes that need to be passed.  We just hang out, live the life we want to be and like we didn’t care what other people sees us, enjoy every moment with a strum of a guitar, sway of your body to dance, drink like there was no tomorrow, run like kids, eat like we didn’t care about our figure, fall in love with no commitment though, joined organizations and even cat fights with the younger ones. IN SHORT WE DIDN’T CARE AT ALL.

At our age now, you have responsibilities to comply with, problems that the only choice you have is to face it, and those broken that you can’t find any cure to heal.

'Lollipops turn into cigarettes, the innocent one turns into sluts, homework goes in the trash, detention becomes suspension, mobile phones are used in class. Soda becomes vodka, bikes becomes cars, kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging at the playground? When protection meant wearing helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and mum was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game. And the only drug you knew was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn’t make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn’t wait to grow up.'

Sometimes, looking back the past won't help you to grow up, but sometimes, looking back would help you to ease the pain that you are suffering. It can give smiles and reminisce how you became stupid and vulnerable to other things. Without those, you cannot achieve on what you are right now. Past will mold you as a better person.

Some people may leave but most of them will stay and worth to treasure.

F!

I will not hide to everyone that I failed the board. Maybe it was not the best time for me nor the title is not for me. Still thorn between letting go and acceptance.

It is really hard for me to accept, until now, the pain is there. I can't hide it. I tried to pretend that I am okay but its hard. Even sarili ko, niloloko ko na. I lose my confidence, my confidence, everything!

I don't understand why people are being mean to me just to push me to move on. I don't get it! People cannot understand what I am going through, they don't know how painful it is to me. If you can't handle me, then just respect it. They don't want me to be weak, to cry over and over but how can I release all the pain if even myself, I will fake every emotion that I will portray yo other people. I tried to be strong, I tried not to cry but its really heavy, its cracking my head and brain.

The pain will not go away as easy as that juat like what people are expecting from me, that once you wake up, its done! Just move on, I hope its easy! I hope it was just like that pero hindi e. I need time! Time can heal everything. I am covered with all the pain now. The pain that will lead me to crazy state of mind.

Pain is in me. The pain that I don't want to feel. The pain that will bringing me to the idea that I want to be numb.

Acceptance

As you grow older, you will realize that not all things you want will be in your hands, you cannot control everything. Power is not an element in a relationship.

You will learn to let go the things that it didn't work for you. Learn to accept that things will just pass by in your life and will leave a pain that will make you grow. Like my failures in my career, I also experienced failures in love. Sometimes, those intelligent people are the ones who are crazy about love. I am meticulous in making decisions but in love, I made stupid things that I didn't expect I did it.

They told me that if you really love the person, you should take the risk, yes I did! I thought that was the key to save us, but no!

You also need to consider your other half. If he didn't want anymore, then STOP! It is really painful especially on the first month but it is just a matter of time. 

 My family and friends, all the people arounds me keep on saying that I should stop because it’s not mentally/emotionally healthy anymore, I came to the point where I am destroying myself. I also keep on answering that I LOVE HIM! I AM WILLING TO LOOK STUPID OR CRAZY JUST FOR HIM! Again, it didn't work.

Now, I am speaking to tell everyone that gosh, learn to free yourself from the prison of love. You don’t need to regret the things that you sacrificed, at least you tried. Revenge is not also a good idea. ACCEPTANCE will help and heal the broken pieces of your heart. LET GO AND MOVE ON. it is not as easy as that, not just one click away, but I can assure you, everything needs time.

Getting Harder

As long as I try to believe myself that I am okay, the pain is getting harder to hide.

Okay, after all, I tried to be in a relationship but it didn't work I think. If you are reading my posts before, I am referring to the same guy. Again and again! My high school love. Lol

After 5 years being in a college, those suitors, trying to meet other boys but in the end, he was the one that I chose. I decided to be with him even my father doesn't want to, because I still like him, okay its not just like but I do love him.

After months, we were happy, or I was just the one who were happy. Before and after board, he didn't called or texted, okay, okay, yes but it can count on fingers on how many times. Its been 4 months now since then, and yet, no efforts at all. He asked me for a space, I gave it. Now I want breakup but he didn't agree, com'on!!! What are you doing? Holding me so that when you are alone, you still have me. Gahd! Im tired of waiting, tired of believing myself that you will come back coz I can't bear this pain now!

I fall in love once but the pain is killing me.

I wish, he feel this way!

This is really me! Lol. 

Blithe

Last 21st of this month was one of the most unforgettable moment as a student, daughter and a sister. The moment that I saw my student portal in the University Website. If you're reading my personal posts, you know what I mean. (I need to undergo what do we call "Removals" so that I can pass all my subjects from the last semester.) I can say that I am really blessed, it was really important to me 'coz I can say that I am halfway there(Graduation). Thank you so much Lord!

And because I am so happy, together with my mini-celebration, my brother and I celebrated also our father's birthday. My brother, being a HRM student knows the best so I said that he should be the one to decide where and what to eat. But we don't have the same metabolism so I was the one who gave up.

My brother ordered Roast beef, this one is a Subway Club, that's my order and their best seller.

My brother is really good at using Chopsticks, even rice, he can do it. Sorry for me, I am a kinda jealous. :(

Tempura Basket.

Ramen, but because I am full, I gave the half to my brother.

I am sorry guys, I really love eating but this time, shame on me coz I am not good in using chopsticks.. If you are looking for a Japanese food that is not really expensive but the taste was not compromise, I can advise you to visit Yoshinoya.

And to cool down the evening, we dropped by to Starbucks Coffee Shop to have a drinks. Hot and cold way to end the day.

What Do You See?

While most of us, start the new year right, mine is a totally disaster! My year started with an issue, an issue made by my ex-boyfriend who was not happen to be a real boyfriend. (Hard to explain why)

He concluded that I and his relative is in a relationship. O my god! since when? And one thing that i should be shocked was, why him? He must be the one who will not make those issue because he knows me very well. Almost everyone knows that I am one of the boys, why I was also teased by my cousins that I am lesbian. I do love hanging out with guys rather than girls for so many reasons. And may be the root of it is, I am the only girl in the family. I grew up surrounded by my two brothers playing play stations and typical games for boys.

I met his relative because of him, when he stayed at their house and they invited me to go there. It was also when we started to make our own friendship. We shared opinions, advices, thoughts, texts, memories and we also have our food trips. I was the one who also lifting his spirits to win his girl back. Every time we are going somewhere, it was really just a hangout with friends. We also make sure its not only the two of us, there were no time ever that you can think that we are in a relationship because, we didn't make any actions or moves that will make people think that we are.

Maybe we are too close to call us friends, we are just really enjoying those moments, we can say that we are comfortable with each other even that it was just a short span of time since we met. Tbh, we are teasing each other that what if like that, like that, and we are telling that we are falling but the truth is, its not! He is still in a relationship and I don't have plan to be with him as well.

Friendship matters most than being in a relationship.

It doesn't mean that because I ended my relationship with his relative, we also end our friendship.


AN: I haven't check my grammar yet so please bear with me when you notice that there is something wrong in my vocab.

Start Over??

I really can't hide how painful it was to lose a friend like him.

The other day, I went home to our Province so that I can attend his last night (A traditional nites of a Filipino Funeral wherein there was sounds, music, foods.etc) I forced my parents to permit me to do so, I really have a lot of regrets when he's still alive and I don't want that until his wake, I can't show my love for him. Even that I still have sore throats and lessons to study for my exams next week, I am willing to sacrifice just for him. It doesn't matter anymore if I was physically and emotionally wasted, all I want is to see him.

Yesterday, we already sent him where everyone would have to build their own room, at the cemetery. I also introduced myself to his mother, his girlfriend and and even his close friends. Almost all of them heard about our stories, about me, about my cousins as well. O yea, he's really talkative because all of them knew about or friendship.

I tried to gain strength and a little courage so that, I want to show him that I am happy for him but when you already there, walking, taking pictures and seeing him on one last glance, its really heart breaking. I didn't control myself to show how painful it was. I was also affected by the reason that my cousins were not here to give support to each of us that is also suffering for his loss. I didn't have a chance to see his closest and best friends (Kuya Joseph, Joel and his cousin Kuya Archie) on the cemetery, maybe they just didn't want to send him in that situation. I also had a chance to meet them even his Laguna friends.

Don't worry my dear, we will try our best to smile again. You are the one that will make hard situations into lighter one and we will continue to inspire each other all the learnings that you brought to us.

Be an angel to us. You will always be in my heart. Friends forever!!!!!

Getting There

There's nothing to hide about that until now, its really hard for me to accept that my friend is now gone. I became on a realization that almost all of our last conversation - thru texts, call and even FB messaging, in the end I didn't gave him so much time to answer all his messages. That's one thing that I should be regret of. And all of those times, I was really busy. I am busy studying, looking for OJT and I was eating. If I could turn back time but I don't have the capability to do it. Please forgive me Nasnip. :(

Here's my playlist that is really helping me to feel relax and believing that in time, I can feel better.

Season's of Love - Glee Cover (Quarterback)

If I Die Young - Glee Cover (Quarterback)

Gone too Soon - Simple Plan

Let it Go - Demi Lovato

Salamat - The Dawn

And some of his favorite songs/Bands:

Your Call - Secondhand Serenade

Goodbye - Secondhand Serenade

Will You Ever Learn - Type Cast

Last Time - Type Cast

Hanggang sa muling tugtugan kaibigan! Rock in heaven! 

You May Now Rest

1:15 AM, Tuesday, when my clock stop, my heart beats faster, my mind cannot absorb things and my body cannot move and embraces with coldness. In short, my world stops.

I was about to sleep when my brother told me the sad news, “Ate patay na si Kuya Rangie?,” he showed me those posts confirming that my Nasnip is gone. He passed away exactly 4:20 PM, Monday, on their way home to Asingan. He was about to go home even he was in Coma, to feel that he was already home but on his way, he gave up.

Sometimes, life is unfair. When you’re not yet ready, that’s the time that it will happen.

My reaction was, “What? Why?” I can’t move where I am standing, I feel cold and shaking.  

 I’ll be missing those times that we’re going to plaza, teasing me because I am not that brave enough to ride Octopus or Ferris Wheel, when we were spending time at Country Side Resort, in front of the Store of Mommy Jing, singing and teasing each other. Nasnip, I am still waiting for your call, I’m sick, call I’m angry. That’s your favourite song, right? Yea, I am still listening to your voice. Do you still remember that your pairing us to Witwit?? Hindi ka maarte, sadyang napakakalog! Napakakulit at ung mga jokes mong waley! Hahaha. 

I really have an idea what’s going on, that he underwent in an operation last year in Saudi and he had been comatose for more than a month I think, I should still be thankful because he had given a chance to go home, we had our chance to bond, share thoughts, smiles, joy and stories. I thought, he was totally fine, I don’t know that his sickness (Meningitis) is not that simple. My friend and nasnip, you fought so hard for your second life, its really hard to accept that you’re gone now, you’re at peace, you’re with Him. Wala ka ng dapat ikabahala, na nahihiya ka, kasi namromroblema sila Mama mo kung san kukuha ng panggamot mo, utang na loob ng mga taong tumulong sayo, it’s about time to relax. Just guide us please, give us strength para malagpasan namin to.

You will realize how important he is, when he’s already gone.

 Its our third day of grieving Nasnip. I was scanning my phone when i realized, you called last month and I am really busy so we didn't have much time to talk. Then early September, you texted me saying "Nasnip, musta? sobrang busy ka ata. Pag may time ka, dalaw ka dito Laguna, dami ng rambutan at lansones." Nasnip, di ko alam na un na ung mga lasts. :(

Superb Break

This semestral break is one of the most exciting, unforgettable vacation so far. Here's the reason why:

1. Night outs

This time, I know what the feeling of spending nights at Urdaneta City is. Those 3 nights were all unexpected and unforgettable. The first night was I'm with Aladdin and Joan (my elementary friends) thru motorbike. Yea, we were too brave para pumunta ng City at the middle of the night.

The second one, I am with the two buddies. Kuya Arvin (my Guitar and Photography tutor) and my new friend, Joel (our new and young kagawad) and also Joan again (Sinama namin sya para may girl at payagan ako), we had our whole body massage. That was my first time and almost the whole time, all I did was to scream dahil nakikiliti ako. So funny! Right?

Last, connected to the next reasons

2. Joy Ride

After Bistro, where we had our 2 bucket drinks, I assumed that we are really going home but what I didn't expect was, Charmaine decided to give 400 just for the gasoline and we will go to San Fabian beach at the middle of the night? So what do you think of it? Another 'rebellious and wild' thing!!!! That was totally crazy! 5 girls and 1 boy (I, Charmaine, Alona, Joan, Japan and Tigor)

3. Coffee Break

Finally, I experienced the taste of Silver Spoon Cafe located at Urdaneta City. We just had drinks and unending sharing of stories with Joan and Aladdin. Joan was trying to build up again my relationship with Aladdin, but I'm sorry girl, wala ng maibabalik. We were done!

4. Brgy. Election/Reunion

It was a Brgy. Election, but we took advantage of it to have our reunion inside our former school. Usual thing, we gathered our elementary classmates and talk and talk and talk! We also had our Truth or Dare game lead by Aladdin ( He's not our classmate, nakikisali lang, just kidding!) And, again, they asked me who my first kiss is, it took a while before I can answer 'coz I can't really remember.

Note: Sorry, I can't provide pictures because the phone that we used was lost. 

BIG X!

My emotions are really intense atm. Please bear with me if ever that I can write some inappropriate words and I will express myself in Tagalog/Filipino.

Its all about Lovelife again, (with crossline talaga, 'coz I really hate talking about it but I need to right now, I need someone to talk to)

So here's the story, I really can't move  on from my Ex and we had our relationship almost 5 years ago. This is what you call stupidity!! I always tell to him that I moved on, I am in love with another man, I am ready for a new relationship but all of those was a lie, I always pushing him away but now, there's a part of me blaming myself, why I keep myself doing that if until now, I still love him.

Yes, I accepted some suitors but none of them can replace him (I am really sorry for Mr. B and Mr.J, ayoko din kasi kayong paasahin, I don't want to use others just to forget him), I can't explain what he have that others don't. Maybe because I really took our relationship seriously, he was the only one that I introduced to my family and I am opened to talk about him most of the time. Please, I wanna forget him for quite some time but my heart and mind are not yet ready for this.

Now that  I am ready to be with him again, its also the time that he's ready to let go of me and maybe to find another woman. I can understand that he's also get tired of waiting but its hard for me to understand that why now?? Kung sana noon pa lang sumuko ka na at lumayo na nung pinapalayo kita, ginawa mo na, hindi na sana ganito kasakit.  I just wish him luck. I am happy whatever decision that he will make in the future.

'Til we meet again my best friend, partner and my lover.  

Messed Up

I've been very busy lately because of school activities and comprehensive exams. Semestral break already started, and the other night, it was a blast. It was my first time to be drunk like that, ever! Really intense! I mean, I don't remember what happened that moment, how I sleep, almost everything. Then, when I woke up, hang over attacked! Headache, no appetite, then all you wanted is to sleep and lay down on your bed.

I hope I could catch up, I'll update my blog very soon. This time, I just wanna spend my time watching TVD, The Originals, Glee and Suits. Kill me now! I am so outdated.

Being the Only Girl

I am  the only girl in our family, and you know what I feel for that?? Mixed! Sometimes there is an advantage but mostly, I take it as disadvantage.

At first, I am enjoying it. Because whenever we had a quarrel or a fight with my younger brotha, our eldest take side on me. When I am asking for some stuffs to my father, he will give it to me, and my mum teaches me on how to be a girl.

But..... once I reached adolescence, big changes happened. Our guardian, my parents, my brothers even the younger one become stricter to me. They didn't allow me to go out with my friends especially when I'm with the boys (Seriously?? I can't live with it coz I am one of the boys), when I am texting, they always have a doubt who I am texting for, and because I am good at my academics, they don't want me to enter into a relationship or else, once I failed, they will blame the boy. Sometimes, you cannot avoid to feel that you're being prison without steel bars.

And now, I am trying to avoid my suitors and my guy/boy friends. To avoid any blame when I failed my Comprehensive Exams.

You know what, you don't know if  they're just being protective or they don't trust you either.