F!

I will not hide to everyone that I failed the board. Maybe it was not the best time for me nor the title is not for me. Still thorn between letting go and acceptance.

It is really hard for me to accept, until now, the pain is there. I can't hide it. I tried to pretend that I am okay but its hard. Even sarili ko, niloloko ko na. I lose my confidence, my confidence, everything!

I don't understand why people are being mean to me just to push me to move on. I don't get it! People cannot understand what I am going through, they don't know how painful it is to me. If you can't handle me, then just respect it. They don't want me to be weak, to cry over and over but how can I release all the pain if even myself, I will fake every emotion that I will portray yo other people. I tried to be strong, I tried not to cry but its really heavy, its cracking my head and brain.

The pain will not go away as easy as that juat like what people are expecting from me, that once you wake up, its done! Just move on, I hope its easy! I hope it was just like that pero hindi e. I need time! Time can heal everything. I am covered with all the pain now. The pain that will lead me to crazy state of mind.

Pain is in me. The pain that I don't want to feel. The pain that will bringing me to the idea that I want to be numb.

Reliever

I love kids!

Before, I admit, I don't want to be surrounded with kids, I am so irritated until my cousin, Annzie got pregnant and decided to transfer and stay in our province. And my nephew, Kent Andrei was born and he just turned 7 last November.

Last holiday season, we slept in one room. Since the day I came home, he wants to be with me every night, he couldn't sleep until I didn't sleep beside him. Like mother and son relationship, if you can just figure out. You know! Now that, I am back here in Manila, I miss talking to him every night. He even asked me about my love life, I didn't know where that idea came from but I am so amazed with the new generation now, he is becoming matured now. Unfortunately, my love life didn't go well so we need to cut that off.

Next one, my nephew, her name is Kacy Andrea (4yo). Every time she wakes up in the morning, she makes sure that we (referring to me and her brother, Kent) were in the other room and giggles with us. Since I have a blurred vision and every time we wakes up and she notices that I am not wearing my eyeglasses, she always asked me if I can see her,and then she will find it and put it on my face. How sweet they are!!!

I miss playing games and eating with them in the middle of the night.

Busy eating and watching Karate Kid, movie that made him cry that night

She told me, "Tita picture tayo at kiss kita" (Tita let's take a picture and I will kiss you)

I can't help it! :(

Hardwork, Faith and Perseverance

From the different phrases that can describe how tough the last two semesters in our College life was, to the different faces of mine.

Our last 2 semesters were very hard and tough. A battle that we can't really imagine how can we pass it, and finally mission accomplished.

Our university library. Break time, vacant day, rest day - where BS Accountancy students spend their time most of the time. As an evidence, most of the librarian knew about us.

Yours truly, Mega and Roseanne (L-R) A day before Auditing Problem Midterm Examinations. Mega was already tired because we started from 12AM-11PM.

I tried to explain to my friend how the problem was solved. But I think, I am not an effective tutor that's why, I don't want to be in the academe area.

I am struggling to Tax that's why even I am really tired, I keep on solving and memorizing. I want to be a lawyer but Tax doesn't love me, huhuhu :(

Aud Probs forever.....

What Do You See?

While most of us, start the new year right, mine is a totally disaster! My year started with an issue, an issue made by my ex-boyfriend who was not happen to be a real boyfriend. (Hard to explain why)

He concluded that I and his relative is in a relationship. O my god! since when? And one thing that i should be shocked was, why him? He must be the one who will not make those issue because he knows me very well. Almost everyone knows that I am one of the boys, why I was also teased by my cousins that I am lesbian. I do love hanging out with guys rather than girls for so many reasons. And may be the root of it is, I am the only girl in the family. I grew up surrounded by my two brothers playing play stations and typical games for boys.

I met his relative because of him, when he stayed at their house and they invited me to go there. It was also when we started to make our own friendship. We shared opinions, advices, thoughts, texts, memories and we also have our food trips. I was the one who also lifting his spirits to win his girl back. Every time we are going somewhere, it was really just a hangout with friends. We also make sure its not only the two of us, there were no time ever that you can think that we are in a relationship because, we didn't make any actions or moves that will make people think that we are.

Maybe we are too close to call us friends, we are just really enjoying those moments, we can say that we are comfortable with each other even that it was just a short span of time since we met. Tbh, we are teasing each other that what if like that, like that, and we are telling that we are falling but the truth is, its not! He is still in a relationship and I don't have plan to be with him as well.

Friendship matters most than being in a relationship.

It doesn't mean that because I ended my relationship with his relative, we also end our friendship.


AN: I haven't check my grammar yet so please bear with me when you notice that there is something wrong in my vocab.

Start Over??

I really can't hide how painful it was to lose a friend like him.

The other day, I went home to our Province so that I can attend his last night (A traditional nites of a Filipino Funeral wherein there was sounds, music, foods.etc) I forced my parents to permit me to do so, I really have a lot of regrets when he's still alive and I don't want that until his wake, I can't show my love for him. Even that I still have sore throats and lessons to study for my exams next week, I am willing to sacrifice just for him. It doesn't matter anymore if I was physically and emotionally wasted, all I want is to see him.

Yesterday, we already sent him where everyone would have to build their own room, at the cemetery. I also introduced myself to his mother, his girlfriend and and even his close friends. Almost all of them heard about our stories, about me, about my cousins as well. O yea, he's really talkative because all of them knew about or friendship.

I tried to gain strength and a little courage so that, I want to show him that I am happy for him but when you already there, walking, taking pictures and seeing him on one last glance, its really heart breaking. I didn't control myself to show how painful it was. I was also affected by the reason that my cousins were not here to give support to each of us that is also suffering for his loss. I didn't have a chance to see his closest and best friends (Kuya Joseph, Joel and his cousin Kuya Archie) on the cemetery, maybe they just didn't want to send him in that situation. I also had a chance to meet them even his Laguna friends.

Don't worry my dear, we will try our best to smile again. You are the one that will make hard situations into lighter one and we will continue to inspire each other all the learnings that you brought to us.

Be an angel to us. You will always be in my heart. Friends forever!!!!!

Getting There

There's nothing to hide about that until now, its really hard for me to accept that my friend is now gone. I became on a realization that almost all of our last conversation - thru texts, call and even FB messaging, in the end I didn't gave him so much time to answer all his messages. That's one thing that I should be regret of. And all of those times, I was really busy. I am busy studying, looking for OJT and I was eating. If I could turn back time but I don't have the capability to do it. Please forgive me Nasnip. :(

Here's my playlist that is really helping me to feel relax and believing that in time, I can feel better.

Season's of Love - Glee Cover (Quarterback)

If I Die Young - Glee Cover (Quarterback)

Gone too Soon - Simple Plan

Let it Go - Demi Lovato

Salamat - The Dawn

And some of his favorite songs/Bands:

Your Call - Secondhand Serenade

Goodbye - Secondhand Serenade

Will You Ever Learn - Type Cast

Last Time - Type Cast

Hanggang sa muling tugtugan kaibigan! Rock in heaven! 

You May Now Rest

1:15 AM, Tuesday, when my clock stop, my heart beats faster, my mind cannot absorb things and my body cannot move and embraces with coldness. In short, my world stops.

I was about to sleep when my brother told me the sad news, “Ate patay na si Kuya Rangie?,” he showed me those posts confirming that my Nasnip is gone. He passed away exactly 4:20 PM, Monday, on their way home to Asingan. He was about to go home even he was in Coma, to feel that he was already home but on his way, he gave up.

Sometimes, life is unfair. When you’re not yet ready, that’s the time that it will happen.

My reaction was, “What? Why?” I can’t move where I am standing, I feel cold and shaking.  

 I’ll be missing those times that we’re going to plaza, teasing me because I am not that brave enough to ride Octopus or Ferris Wheel, when we were spending time at Country Side Resort, in front of the Store of Mommy Jing, singing and teasing each other. Nasnip, I am still waiting for your call, I’m sick, call I’m angry. That’s your favourite song, right? Yea, I am still listening to your voice. Do you still remember that your pairing us to Witwit?? Hindi ka maarte, sadyang napakakalog! Napakakulit at ung mga jokes mong waley! Hahaha. 

I really have an idea what’s going on, that he underwent in an operation last year in Saudi and he had been comatose for more than a month I think, I should still be thankful because he had given a chance to go home, we had our chance to bond, share thoughts, smiles, joy and stories. I thought, he was totally fine, I don’t know that his sickness (Meningitis) is not that simple. My friend and nasnip, you fought so hard for your second life, its really hard to accept that you’re gone now, you’re at peace, you’re with Him. Wala ka ng dapat ikabahala, na nahihiya ka, kasi namromroblema sila Mama mo kung san kukuha ng panggamot mo, utang na loob ng mga taong tumulong sayo, it’s about time to relax. Just guide us please, give us strength para malagpasan namin to.

You will realize how important he is, when he’s already gone.

 Its our third day of grieving Nasnip. I was scanning my phone when i realized, you called last month and I am really busy so we didn't have much time to talk. Then early September, you texted me saying "Nasnip, musta? sobrang busy ka ata. Pag may time ka, dalaw ka dito Laguna, dami ng rambutan at lansones." Nasnip, di ko alam na un na ung mga lasts. :(

BIG X!

My emotions are really intense atm. Please bear with me if ever that I can write some inappropriate words and I will express myself in Tagalog/Filipino.

Its all about Lovelife again, (with crossline talaga, 'coz I really hate talking about it but I need to right now, I need someone to talk to)

So here's the story, I really can't move  on from my Ex and we had our relationship almost 5 years ago. This is what you call stupidity!! I always tell to him that I moved on, I am in love with another man, I am ready for a new relationship but all of those was a lie, I always pushing him away but now, there's a part of me blaming myself, why I keep myself doing that if until now, I still love him.

Yes, I accepted some suitors but none of them can replace him (I am really sorry for Mr. B and Mr.J, ayoko din kasi kayong paasahin, I don't want to use others just to forget him), I can't explain what he have that others don't. Maybe because I really took our relationship seriously, he was the only one that I introduced to my family and I am opened to talk about him most of the time. Please, I wanna forget him for quite some time but my heart and mind are not yet ready for this.

Now that  I am ready to be with him again, its also the time that he's ready to let go of me and maybe to find another woman. I can understand that he's also get tired of waiting but its hard for me to understand that why now?? Kung sana noon pa lang sumuko ka na at lumayo na nung pinapalayo kita, ginawa mo na, hindi na sana ganito kasakit.  I just wish him luck. I am happy whatever decision that he will make in the future.

'Til we meet again my best friend, partner and my lover.  

Messed Up

I've been very busy lately because of school activities and comprehensive exams. Semestral break already started, and the other night, it was a blast. It was my first time to be drunk like that, ever! Really intense! I mean, I don't remember what happened that moment, how I sleep, almost everything. Then, when I woke up, hang over attacked! Headache, no appetite, then all you wanted is to sleep and lay down on your bed.

I hope I could catch up, I'll update my blog very soon. This time, I just wanna spend my time watching TVD, The Originals, Glee and Suits. Kill me now! I am so outdated.

Being the Only Girl

I am  the only girl in our family, and you know what I feel for that?? Mixed! Sometimes there is an advantage but mostly, I take it as disadvantage.

At first, I am enjoying it. Because whenever we had a quarrel or a fight with my younger brotha, our eldest take side on me. When I am asking for some stuffs to my father, he will give it to me, and my mum teaches me on how to be a girl.

But..... once I reached adolescence, big changes happened. Our guardian, my parents, my brothers even the younger one become stricter to me. They didn't allow me to go out with my friends especially when I'm with the boys (Seriously?? I can't live with it coz I am one of the boys), when I am texting, they always have a doubt who I am texting for, and because I am good at my academics, they don't want me to enter into a relationship or else, once I failed, they will blame the boy. Sometimes, you cannot avoid to feel that you're being prison without steel bars.

And now, I am trying to avoid my suitors and my guy/boy friends. To avoid any blame when I failed my Comprehensive Exams.

You know what, you don't know if  they're just being protective or they don't trust you either. 

HWAG ABUSUHIN ANG IBANG TAO.

Mula nung nagaral ako dito sa Manila, marami na kong napansin na hindi kanais nais na gawain ng iba't ibang klaseng indibidwal. Ngayong araw na to, gusto ko lang sana ibahagi ang aking karanasan sa pagsakay sa mga PEDICAB/TRICYCLE. Knina, dahil sa aalis na ung bus na sasakyan ng kapatid ko, ayun. Nagmadali ako from Chowking para bumili ng lunch nya, then sumakay ako ng pedicab going to Victory Liner. Hindi po yun kalayuan, pwede ngang lakarin e, kaso dahil sa time, napilitan ako. And I was so shocked when they told me P30 po ang bayad. Haller. Parang from PRC to FEU nga lang e. Dahil ayokong mabadtrip saka nagmamadali nako dahil aalis n nga ung bus, okay, nagbayad na lang ako. May mga tao talagang aabusuhin ka, minsan they are OVERPRICING kasi makikita nila na BATA ka pa, o kaya, mukha kang may kaya, mukhang kaya mong magbayad. Pare-parehas po tayong nangangailangan ng pera, alam ko po, nagsusumikap lang din po kayo para sa pamilya niu pero po sana, wag naman po kayong mangabuso ng ibang tao. Oo bata pa po ako saka babae pa, pero hindi po un dahilan para itake advantage niu po ang sitwasyon.

Sana, kung sino man po ang tamang institusyon na namamahala para sa mga Pedicab/Tricycle Drivers, sana naman po, may mga guidelines naman po kayo kung anu o paanu po ang tamang presyo ng pamasahe sa partikular na lugar o kung ilang kilometro ang tatahakin. At ito ay dapat sundin. Nang sa ganun, maiwasan po ang OVERPRICING. It will apply to all not for a particular group of people. Minsan, nasa atin ang problema kung bakit hindi umuunlad ang isang komunidad, kahit gaano kagaling ang mag lider kung ang mga tao nito ay walang disiplina, wala po tayong patutunguhan.

Pati rin po sa mga Taxi Drivers, kahit may metro na, nagpapadagdag pa rin sila. Dahil madami kayo o kaya dahil malayo. (ilang beses na kaming nakaranas ng gnyan ng aking mga kaibigan)

Down to Up

These past few days, I feel so disoriented. I mean, my goal, my motivation, everything turned down after our Prac1 (Financial Accounting Practical) Prelim Examination. It was a 3-hour exam but they extended it into 4-hour exam. You're shock? 'Coz it's too long, right?? Yea, it was a good opportunity to finish the exam, unfortunately, after two hours, I got tired, my brain stop thinking, its not functioning, even my hands cannot jive into what I want to do. In short, I stopped answering, another reason also was, my migraine attacked while I am having our exam. 

But what me sad even more? The feeling that I should not give up. First of all, its not on my list this semester to give up, sometimes, I maybe lazy but I never give up, on that moment, I didn't know what really happened, am also confused.

If you are an Accountancy student, you should possess the "never give up" attitude.

After more than a week, still I am trying to cope up, trying to forget it, though I know the fact that I never pass it when half of the time, I just made a guess. That's truly a miracle if ever that I can still get 75 huh, even 60. It was hard to move on especially when you studied that particular subject for more than a week but I am struggling, I don't know why I can't answer those problems. The important thing now is, I am still trying to be positive. It was just prelim, 25% of my grade, there are still 75% remaining. i am ready to fight again, and this time, I will do everything to pass all the subjects. I can do this!

Friend being inlove with his Bestfriend

This time, hindi ko nafeel that one of my closest friends is in love with our common friend. As in, I am so shocked when I heard and red about his feelings. I don't know what to say, I don't know how should I react. 

I felt a little awkward 'coz theres a lot of assumptions, conclusions. I thought there was nothing, I thought i ts just a matter of friendship and I know that they are close enough.

Binalikan ko tuloy lahat ng nangyari if I said something negative about the girl, yea maybe. And I am sorry for that. If I just know that earlier, sana hindi na ko nagopen sayo. But I hope, someday, he will open up to me, not in a way that I am just relying on social media, on speculations. I hope he will forgive me about what I said about the girl. I was mad that time, bugso lang po ng damdamin.

Love Fools.

I’ve cried once but it happens again with the same man.

This time, it is a little bit complicated. We were in a relationship when we were high school, way back year 2008, now we’re in college and he tried so many times to court me. I pushed him away many times, ‘coz the truth is, it took me a very long time before I finally move on. Last Feb, I’ve decided to accept him again, not for a reason than I only force myself just to have boyfriend but for the unexpected events, it didn’t work.

Almost all the time he texted me, he always asked about the girl which happens to be my friend, one of my closest friend. For that, I feel so angry, why he needed to text me for that, why he didn’t text the girl, right?? When I confronted him, he told me that he only makes me jealous. The F! Then, pinalipas ko muna. We don’t have consistent communication, ‘coz we know that we were both busy. One time, he asked me on a date I guess, I also asked for my mum’s permission but because of his thesis, it didn’t happen then I found out that, that date would be, we were with the girl. I also heard that they were exchanging texts and even calls more usual than mine. Again, nagpakabulag ako.

Then last May, someone give me a hint about the two going out. I opened the tumblr account of the girl, I was so shocked. She didn’t mention the name of the guy but the description pointed to only one and yes, they dated. For them maybe, it was just only a friendly date but the way I see it, it was not. They watched Iron Man, ate at Tokyo Tokyo and he gave ferrero for the girl, and she gave two pieces to me without any idea that it was from my Ex-boyfriend and current suitor, if I didn’t opened her account, hindi ko pa malalaman.

I let him go, I didn’t opened this to the girl that I already knew though she knew about the courtship thing between me and the guy. Yes, I admitted, I pushed the guy saying that I am inlove with other guy but it was just to hide that I am hurt between him and my friend, I only used my guy to show that I am okay, that I am fine when he will make his decision to leave me.

If there would be the most stupid girl, that would be me! I told to my friends that I avoided his text and yet, I lied to them.

Recently, the guy texted me asking for my help. He wants to know why the girl avoiding him. She’s not answering his texts and calls. Then I texted the girl, yea I know, I am so stupid. She replied me and it sounds negative and there is something that comes in my mind that I am involved to this issue. Don’t have the plan to text the guy what my friend replied me because I don’t him to be hurt. Eventually, kakakulit ng guy, I quoted the text of the girl. And he told me that he loves her, he cannot accept if this girl would leave him. She is his saviour and he really loves her. She’s the only girl that can understand him. It hurts me, why? ‘Coz pinamukha niya sakin that’s I was the one who pushed him for that girl, all I did was to hurt him. It’s the time to move on and he asked me my help to win her back.

I already texted the girl that I know everything about her tumblr, their date and she apologized to me and told me that she likes him but not up to the point that she can love him back.

I am not on the position to be a hindrance with their relationship, they have their own decisions. I am here to accept and respect whatever they want. In time, everything will be okay. It was just a part of growing up and our past.

Tho, I pushed him many times. It would never be right to use that reason why you are now inlove with my friend. I can accept the fact that he may now love with my friend if he didn’t asked me to accept him again and if from the start, my friend and the guy told me everything, they told me that they were going out for a “date”. I asked the guy many times, it was just a friend but now, how can you explain that now your inlove with her.

May mga kasalanan ako at pagkukulang sa mga minamahal kong tao, may mga bagay na hindi ko maibigay na binibigay ng iba sayo, but don’t use it to me as reasons why you need to find another girl dahil ikaw din. Nasaktan na naman ako dahil minahal ko ung guy and I trust the girl. This situation,I will not put all the blame to them 

‘coz I myself also did things that will hurt me.

I am the one who push the guy many times and now, it’s time for him to be happy.

Hindi po kasakiman ang magparaya at magmahal.

Half Empty Half Full

Yesterday was Valentines Day but for me as a Half Single Half Committed (I guess) nothing to celebrate about. I am just making a self-proclaimed that I am committed to someone tho its not. So to make myself clear, I am single! You can think that I am crazy right now 'coz I think I am :) Kill me now.

I woke up early just to make a breakfast for my brother but after that, I spend a "little" time watching TV, I don't know why, but yesterday I find those TV shows very  boring that's why I decided to take a nap. When I woke up again, I make my assignments but again, I am not in the mood to make any school stuffs so I slept again.No energy at all, right? Me also, I am confuse about myself.

Urggg. Maybe Valentines Day is not for me at all this year. I am not looking forward about that event but I really don't know my body and my emotions are affected.

Hello, I am celebrating Valentines as a SINGLE for four years but NOW, there is something that I can't explain why I am sad or lets just say that I am not in the mood.

Happy Hearts Day!