F!

I will not hide to everyone that I failed the board. Maybe it was not the best time for me nor the title is not for me. Still thorn between letting go and acceptance.

It is really hard for me to accept, until now, the pain is there. I can't hide it. I tried to pretend that I am okay but its hard. Even sarili ko, niloloko ko na. I lose my confidence, my confidence, everything!

I don't understand why people are being mean to me just to push me to move on. I don't get it! People cannot understand what I am going through, they don't know how painful it is to me. If you can't handle me, then just respect it. They don't want me to be weak, to cry over and over but how can I release all the pain if even myself, I will fake every emotion that I will portray yo other people. I tried to be strong, I tried not to cry but its really heavy, its cracking my head and brain.

The pain will not go away as easy as that juat like what people are expecting from me, that once you wake up, its done! Just move on, I hope its easy! I hope it was just like that pero hindi e. I need time! Time can heal everything. I am covered with all the pain now. The pain that will lead me to crazy state of mind.

Pain is in me. The pain that I don't want to feel. The pain that will bringing me to the idea that I want to be numb.

Acceptance

As you grow older, you will realize that not all things you want will be in your hands, you cannot control everything. Power is not an element in a relationship.

You will learn to let go the things that it didn't work for you. Learn to accept that things will just pass by in your life and will leave a pain that will make you grow. Like my failures in my career, I also experienced failures in love. Sometimes, those intelligent people are the ones who are crazy about love. I am meticulous in making decisions but in love, I made stupid things that I didn't expect I did it.

They told me that if you really love the person, you should take the risk, yes I did! I thought that was the key to save us, but no!

You also need to consider your other half. If he didn't want anymore, then STOP! It is really painful especially on the first month but it is just a matter of time. 

 My family and friends, all the people arounds me keep on saying that I should stop because it’s not mentally/emotionally healthy anymore, I came to the point where I am destroying myself. I also keep on answering that I LOVE HIM! I AM WILLING TO LOOK STUPID OR CRAZY JUST FOR HIM! Again, it didn't work.

Now, I am speaking to tell everyone that gosh, learn to free yourself from the prison of love. You don’t need to regret the things that you sacrificed, at least you tried. Revenge is not also a good idea. ACCEPTANCE will help and heal the broken pieces of your heart. LET GO AND MOVE ON. it is not as easy as that, not just one click away, but I can assure you, everything needs time.

A Night in the Academy

You don’t know what is in it unless you experience.

I was invited to attend the Valentine Hop 2015. At first, I did not agree on the idea because you need to wear dress, makeup and even heels or stilettos, which are not really my things but curious enough to know what it feels like inside the Academy.

Am not a girlfriend, a sister who is escorting a student but just a friend. In my position, you really didn’t know what is really happening inside, what only you know is just a 1% of the whole experience.

Being here, I didn’t waste any chances to ask all the questions popping inside my head.

While we were still on the road, I asked my friend about their opinion, point of view or their stand in the Mamasapano Clash which leads to the death of SAF 44. I also had the chance to pass by the training camp of the PNP-SAF. I gathered a lot of info not just grounded by what I have seen on the televisions (Media coverage and Senate hearings) but as a police himself.

The public are free to judge and criticize our soldiers and our soon to be soldiers. I will not hide that I was one of those. Specially, seeing my friend who changed from the person I knew to the person what he had to become.  Now, I realized that he changed not because he needs to or to prove something, there are a lot of factors also to be considered. They are men that are strong enough to conquer all the pressure inside. It was like a prisoner in a place where trainings are there, respect and follow the rules, regulations and instructions; testing the loyalty and devotion of their work or profession. Men that needs to sacrifice their time, effort and even themselves for the country.

As we wait for the event, we were assigned in rooms where your “partner” belongs to what class and platoon. I had the chances to stay in both of my friends classes. In the 3C (where Roi belongs), I witnessed how they respect their upper classes and how they know each other. Helping and assisting each and every one.  On the other hand, while I am in 1C (Ishmart’s class), these are the graduating. You can see big smiles in their faces symbolizing “Yes! We are almost there!” You can also understand that they experienced a lot of hardships and they were trained through time, men who are prepared for their next stage of battles. Sited next with the first class, “Seize the Moment” or “Carpe Diem!” is the quote that I will use to describe every chance they have when they are free, (as in not bounded by the rules inside the Academy). They are very caring and respectful to their partners. You can also praise the camaraderie between them. How close enough to be called as brothers. You recognize that they are there for every one’s back.  Ready to fight back when they are in trouble, but of course with values and dignity.

In the end, they are still humans. Who wants to enjoy, feel the moment and grab every opportunity they have when they are outside the military institute. A picture of not just being in a battle field challenges, formation, physical and mental alertness, but still young men and women with genuinely, brave and kind hearts. These are those who are willing to sacrifice their lives for the country. These are our future soldiers together with their life inside the institute, these are my friends, and this is the Philippine National Police Academy.

With my friends Cdt 1C Jose and Cdt 3C Ordoinio and his drag.

"Friends"

First Class from 2nd and 3rd Squad of Hawk.

Reliever

I love kids!

Before, I admit, I don't want to be surrounded with kids, I am so irritated until my cousin, Annzie got pregnant and decided to transfer and stay in our province. And my nephew, Kent Andrei was born and he just turned 7 last November.

Last holiday season, we slept in one room. Since the day I came home, he wants to be with me every night, he couldn't sleep until I didn't sleep beside him. Like mother and son relationship, if you can just figure out. You know! Now that, I am back here in Manila, I miss talking to him every night. He even asked me about my love life, I didn't know where that idea came from but I am so amazed with the new generation now, he is becoming matured now. Unfortunately, my love life didn't go well so we need to cut that off.

Next one, my nephew, her name is Kacy Andrea (4yo). Every time she wakes up in the morning, she makes sure that we (referring to me and her brother, Kent) were in the other room and giggles with us. Since I have a blurred vision and every time we wakes up and she notices that I am not wearing my eyeglasses, she always asked me if I can see her,and then she will find it and put it on my face. How sweet they are!!!

I miss playing games and eating with them in the middle of the night.

Busy eating and watching Karate Kid, movie that made him cry that night

She told me, "Tita picture tayo at kiss kita" (Tita let's take a picture and I will kiss you)

I can't help it! :(

Getting Harder

As long as I try to believe myself that I am okay, the pain is getting harder to hide.

Okay, after all, I tried to be in a relationship but it didn't work I think. If you are reading my posts before, I am referring to the same guy. Again and again! My high school love. Lol

After 5 years being in a college, those suitors, trying to meet other boys but in the end, he was the one that I chose. I decided to be with him even my father doesn't want to, because I still like him, okay its not just like but I do love him.

After months, we were happy, or I was just the one who were happy. Before and after board, he didn't called or texted, okay, okay, yes but it can count on fingers on how many times. Its been 4 months now since then, and yet, no efforts at all. He asked me for a space, I gave it. Now I want breakup but he didn't agree, com'on!!! What are you doing? Holding me so that when you are alone, you still have me. Gahd! Im tired of waiting, tired of believing myself that you will come back coz I can't bear this pain now!

I fall in love once but the pain is killing me.

I wish, he feel this way!

This is really me! Lol. 

If I Could

I have a simple wish on my graduation. A wish that I thought it will happen but again, I disappointed myself with my own expectations. I really worked hard because I want that just once, I can say that we are family.

I thought that when my bro and I graduated together this year, our parents will come home but what I have heard earlier, my mom already backed out. She's not going home, in short, I cannot be with my parents on my Graduation Day. Now I know what my younger bro felt when he graduated elementary without Mama or Papa either. I pictured out that I will receive my diploma in front of them, but its not happening anymore. It will just my father. I am happy to be with my father but I worked hard for the last two semesters aiming to be with them both, not just one of them! I want to feel angry or even hatred but how can I be selfish if the one that is sacrificed is her health, her life. She's not going home because she needs to undergo a therapy. Why should I asked first about my own happiness if her health is at stake. Why shoud I think first of myself?

Sometimes I wanna blame God, why He let us to feel this, Why is this happening? Why now? but who am I to questioned him?? Who am I to blame him? Yet, I can't! 

Coz at some point in my life, I also feel that I am not happy anymore. I wanna go into a place that no one knows about me, that I don't need to think of what, why, who and how. I don't need to care other's feelings, other's opinions or how other's sees me as a person. I am tired of being judged by others.

Its really heartbreaking because all I want is to have a one day experience to have parents! On the 21st of April, I don't need material things but to feel my parents embrace and kisses. Just two days! On the 21st and on the 23rd (my bro's graduation). But it will not be happening! I need to accept the fact that sometimes, no matter how you try, it will never be yours. If you can just be a selfish one. 

If I can only have a power to heal my mum, to takeover her illness, or to travel to Italy without compromising others. I am also eager to be with them, to be with my parents and my older brother. I really miss them, I counted years, and

how many years should I wait for until this wish will come true?

This is just a simple wish of a daughter, a sister, a student and as a person.

A/N: I apologize for the wrong grammar and vocabulary. I am writingthis while I am crying.

Hardwork, Faith and Perseverance

From the different phrases that can describe how tough the last two semesters in our College life was, to the different faces of mine.

Our last 2 semesters were very hard and tough. A battle that we can't really imagine how can we pass it, and finally mission accomplished.

Our university library. Break time, vacant day, rest day - where BS Accountancy students spend their time most of the time. As an evidence, most of the librarian knew about us.

Yours truly, Mega and Roseanne (L-R) A day before Auditing Problem Midterm Examinations. Mega was already tired because we started from 12AM-11PM.

I tried to explain to my friend how the problem was solved. But I think, I am not an effective tutor that's why, I don't want to be in the academe area.

I am struggling to Tax that's why even I am really tired, I keep on solving and memorizing. I want to be a lawyer but Tax doesn't love me, huhuhu :(

Aud Probs forever.....

Blithe

Last 21st of this month was one of the most unforgettable moment as a student, daughter and a sister. The moment that I saw my student portal in the University Website. If you're reading my personal posts, you know what I mean. (I need to undergo what do we call "Removals" so that I can pass all my subjects from the last semester.) I can say that I am really blessed, it was really important to me 'coz I can say that I am halfway there(Graduation). Thank you so much Lord!

And because I am so happy, together with my mini-celebration, my brother and I celebrated also our father's birthday. My brother, being a HRM student knows the best so I said that he should be the one to decide where and what to eat. But we don't have the same metabolism so I was the one who gave up.

My brother ordered Roast beef, this one is a Subway Club, that's my order and their best seller.

My brother is really good at using Chopsticks, even rice, he can do it. Sorry for me, I am a kinda jealous. :(

Tempura Basket.

Ramen, but because I am full, I gave the half to my brother.

I am sorry guys, I really love eating but this time, shame on me coz I am not good in using chopsticks.. If you are looking for a Japanese food that is not really expensive but the taste was not compromise, I can advise you to visit Yoshinoya.

And to cool down the evening, we dropped by to Starbucks Coffee Shop to have a drinks. Hot and cold way to end the day.

What Do You See?

While most of us, start the new year right, mine is a totally disaster! My year started with an issue, an issue made by my ex-boyfriend who was not happen to be a real boyfriend. (Hard to explain why)

He concluded that I and his relative is in a relationship. O my god! since when? And one thing that i should be shocked was, why him? He must be the one who will not make those issue because he knows me very well. Almost everyone knows that I am one of the boys, why I was also teased by my cousins that I am lesbian. I do love hanging out with guys rather than girls for so many reasons. And may be the root of it is, I am the only girl in the family. I grew up surrounded by my two brothers playing play stations and typical games for boys.

I met his relative because of him, when he stayed at their house and they invited me to go there. It was also when we started to make our own friendship. We shared opinions, advices, thoughts, texts, memories and we also have our food trips. I was the one who also lifting his spirits to win his girl back. Every time we are going somewhere, it was really just a hangout with friends. We also make sure its not only the two of us, there were no time ever that you can think that we are in a relationship because, we didn't make any actions or moves that will make people think that we are.

Maybe we are too close to call us friends, we are just really enjoying those moments, we can say that we are comfortable with each other even that it was just a short span of time since we met. Tbh, we are teasing each other that what if like that, like that, and we are telling that we are falling but the truth is, its not! He is still in a relationship and I don't have plan to be with him as well.

Friendship matters most than being in a relationship.

It doesn't mean that because I ended my relationship with his relative, we also end our friendship.


AN: I haven't check my grammar yet so please bear with me when you notice that there is something wrong in my vocab.

Start Over??

I really can't hide how painful it was to lose a friend like him.

The other day, I went home to our Province so that I can attend his last night (A traditional nites of a Filipino Funeral wherein there was sounds, music, foods.etc) I forced my parents to permit me to do so, I really have a lot of regrets when he's still alive and I don't want that until his wake, I can't show my love for him. Even that I still have sore throats and lessons to study for my exams next week, I am willing to sacrifice just for him. It doesn't matter anymore if I was physically and emotionally wasted, all I want is to see him.

Yesterday, we already sent him where everyone would have to build their own room, at the cemetery. I also introduced myself to his mother, his girlfriend and and even his close friends. Almost all of them heard about our stories, about me, about my cousins as well. O yea, he's really talkative because all of them knew about or friendship.

I tried to gain strength and a little courage so that, I want to show him that I am happy for him but when you already there, walking, taking pictures and seeing him on one last glance, its really heart breaking. I didn't control myself to show how painful it was. I was also affected by the reason that my cousins were not here to give support to each of us that is also suffering for his loss. I didn't have a chance to see his closest and best friends (Kuya Joseph, Joel and his cousin Kuya Archie) on the cemetery, maybe they just didn't want to send him in that situation. I also had a chance to meet them even his Laguna friends.

Don't worry my dear, we will try our best to smile again. You are the one that will make hard situations into lighter one and we will continue to inspire each other all the learnings that you brought to us.

Be an angel to us. You will always be in my heart. Friends forever!!!!!